As of this past week I have learned some pretty awful things. I have learned that people whom I thought were nice and witty were actually flood mouthed gossipers. When nothing interesting in particular is going on in your life why not make up something? Especially about a person who hasn’t really made that many waves in the pool. Me. I know I am no “saint”, but I know for certain that there was not one real reason why you chose to turn your cheek and place judgement on me. I wish I could ask you what exactly was the reason for you to give up on friendship between you and I. I cannot imagine what our next run in is going to be like… damn.

All I was, was nice to you. What are you complaining about?

Maybe I like partying hard with the same folks each year because it friends like them that make it all worth the while. 

What the fuck? What the fuck? I hate! GAH! I hate you! I hate you for everything you have done to me. I hate you for all those hurtful and mean things you have said to me. Why?! Why would you still say that you’re a friend and then just break off and say things that twist with hate then spread like smoke from a cigarette.

Selfish. That is what you are.

Hurtful and this is what you do. I feel like less of a person and more of that punching bag you like to visit.

Pick on me. It’s like you don’t know you’re doing it, but I know you are enjoying it.

Recently I have been muttering under my breath the words ‘go fuck yourself’ after every conversation we have had and that is that. So, go fuck yourself.

Am I right. No. I still love you. Is it right to still say that? Do I stay with you out of fear of breaking your heart?

When things start to get like they are: hard, difficult and stressful just remember to keep my head a float. The longer I am left here treading water of life the stronger I will become. How alone I feel right now at this very moment even though those closest to me are around. It’s just that they aren’t all there for the right reasons or I have to jump through their hoops in order to just confide and spend time with them. This is when paranoia and anxiety kick in and I feel so helpless, but I know that as a sign to pause for a little bit. I know it is time for me to surrender and be at peace with myself to have serenity. 

For now, I will make a list of the good things that have been going on.  

When the loneliness I thought I learned to manage started to run wild and it felt like there was nothing I could do. I turned to someone I knew who would make me happy. Then I found there were three more people that helped me surgically remove my sadness and scale the happiness to a more…

I wrote this a long time ago, but it’s something that I need to remember.

Today I will accept my past. I will try to learn what I can from those experiences which cause me the most pain. I will be kind to myself, giving me credit for the things I have accomplished and not dwell on the things I have not done. With what I learn from my experiences and the will and strength of my higher power, I will try to make a better today and look forward to tomorrow.

Meditation for today:
Help me to accept and learn from my past so I can continue with my emotional spiritual growth

Today I will remember:
Painful experiences are not shameful, but rather a way I can better come to know myself.

I wanted to sew you back up to fix you. I wanted to make you better and to put you back together. But, I couldn’t achieve it- you wouldn’t even let me. You did not want it and now you have the scars from the the trife. Grief it will be overcome and remember what these scars once were and you’ll then see proof that wounds do heal.  Know yourself- be honest. Because denial only leads to hiding the truth. Once you have hidden the truth you’ll find it re-surfacing in what may seem the worst of times to you. It is then where you will see that it is not everyone else that is trying to hurt you- it is only you lying to yourself and hiding it all away from the world. You have no proof that they are only out to hurt you. The only evidence against them is when they do not say what you have wanted to hear or they do not do what you wanted them to do. Their advice was not something you were ready to hear, so you accused them of attacking you. The ones who so badly wanted to love you and to help you- you pushed them all away. Admit your actions they were not the best put out, but screaming and attacking were the only way you knew how to get your feelings across. The storms you have brewed up and sent out across the people in your path were waited out by the patient ones. They only wanted to find out what the root of your problems were; to help you. It is beautiful to see the end of your storms when you found out they wanted to hear you out, to care for you, get to know you and what was really going on; a rainbow.

It is possible I got too tired of waiting through your constant stormy weather to get to see the good parts of you. But, when all I have gotten was storm after storm. Even with prevailing to seek out the better in you I just got tired more storms. I grew emotionally wrecked and exhausted so, I just moved on. I am sorry for giving up on you. I do really hope that you smile more often now and remember not every time does it have to storm to get your feelings out, or reach your goals. Kiss your scars that are all sewn up or healed and love who you have become, regardless of the people you lost due to your emotions.  

She wants you to have you on her mind. She wants her voice to be the best thing you heard all day. Because she has forgotten the way. The way that love works. What could be so worse than having her love you? So let her say the things she’s been scratching to get out. Let there be doubt about how much you like her. Just let her, love. Just let her love you. Just let her love. There will be times when she’ll never please you and it’s not like you’re lying to her. You didn’t promise her anything. She wants to hear how her beauty makes you horny in the middle of your day. How when you first met her you’d never forget how her hips sway. Look at her now, come out loud with how her lips curl when she smiles. How her eyes glow and how she styles that long hair that feels so perfect while resting on your clavicle bones. Just sigh it out loud, let her love you. Let her say the things she’s been dying to all day. Let there be doubt about, about the way you don’t want her. Let there be doubt about how much you miss her. About how much you want to just kiss her. About how much you just really lover her. So say it out, or leave, cause it’s not fair to her or your heart to be in between. It’ll wean it’s way, from straight out of the back of your brain one day

I remember I fell in love once. It was a kid in a red jacket and we met in the sandbox on a day just like this. The clouds were covering the sky in a blanket of gray and the wind blowing the newly dead leafs around. I think it had to have been a teachers institute day because we were definitely in school then. I remember spending the whole day with him and I can’t even remember his name now. Though what I do remember was how bold the colors were that day even without the sun. The greens of the grass, the oranges in the leaves, the hazel in his eyes and the bright red hooded jacket he wore. His hair was dark and his smile was framed by pink chapped lips. I kissed them once, he held my hand and left me for dinner time. The memory of this day lingers in my mind nostalgically hoping that a love in a red jacket would take the time to hold me hand again.

Well, I can honestly say that no matter how you put it: I am just more in love with you than you are with me. It is the truth and there is no other way around it. You even said if yourself that you cannot commit to me for our whole lives. I wish you could, but wishful thinking isn’t gonna get me anywhere with you now is it?

What bothers me is not that you will be out there alone with out me from time to time, it is just that there is that option of leaving me. Not just for two weeks or a month, it is leaving me for good. There is no promise saying that you will never do that. There is no promise of never breaking my heart. Plain and simple: you can live without me, but I, I cannot live without you.

Have you ever wondered why I cannot give everything to you anymore? I do not know anymore if you’re gonna hurt me. Right now, all I can say is you will. Maybe not today, this week, this month or quite possibly the rest of this year, but you will one day. It may not be how I had first feared of the heartbreak with you doing something stupid, but just that you will no longer be in love. I just do not understand how I can feel it and you cannot. I feel it and you do not. I feel like I can love you the rest of my life… although what do I do when I want to travel? You’ll refuse to go with me. That, that right there, the refusal; it paralyzes me. You do not feel the need to travel, explore, roam or learn with me. 

So, now does it still befuddle you that I would be so self loathing? Do you understand how it is for me to see this on the other side? I cannot fathom how you love me anymore. Further more I do not understand love anymore or maybe I just do not understand what “in love” means to you. I would like to know if it bothers you that I can no longer give myself to you. There’s just no conviction for myself to go any further with you, in fact it gives me even more of a reason to go back one. The other thing is, if I have no conviction to move any further in the future with you… then what is the point of being here in the first place with you? 

Would you ever try to persuade me your way by taking a leap of faith and just sit here on a long hefty plateau with no answer of ever actually knowing if you’ll ever commit to me?

When you are physically close to me and all I feel is the need to press my lips against yours and pull your body close to mine and the feeling swells in and overwhelms me that I leave you with a shy, quiet girl who lingers and laughs. Only because you never say what is really on your mind about how you feel; about me nor do you express your pressing feelings for a matter of the truth.These perplexing actions; no they can not be clear signs of affection to me anymore. I get too lost and too concerned when there is no real matter to at all, then most of the time you only leave me with the vacant feelings of suspicion and deficiency when you do not explain your passionate kisses or your feely hands. I could count the times you kiss me, the way you look into my eyes and the way you smile just right before you laugh though it would all be a waste.

For there seems to be the death of chivalry and love in the air in which
discourages me alone. There are the ones who came before you to only pilfer
what was left of my emotions to the point where I do not believe in your
feelings you might have for me are really truly there. For hurting then in the
past is enough for me to keep on denying anyone my heart. I am not even sure
that my heart will ever animate the idea of love through itself again. Many
people have done devious things for unexplainable reasons to fool me into thinking they cared about me and my true intentions. 

How could I ever trust and be certain that the actions you express to me today are the truth? Rather than some putrid scheme to creep your way in my life and have me give it all away to just have you disappear. If disappearing is your trick then you better do it now before another knowing victim such as me gets hurt again by a heartless man like you.

The truth is
I have never gotten over his death
as people said I would.
All those well meaning people;
they told me i would get over it.
I know now that- they didn’t know
or they had not yet lost someone
they truly loved.
I know no one can exactly
take his place; because I’ve tried
It is not the person itself I’ve replaced,
but who they, he, him
Who he was to me-no one comes close.
It felt like as if no one wanted to.
I am responsible for my
attitude, for my happiness.
But sometimes I just get to that dark place
it’s always there-they’re always there.
Like a devious friend
almost as swell as an old comfy chair-so inviting
There is where I view our world
your world, our world;
as everything I see is just not enough.
The sky is too big,
the grass is too green,
and everything is just more beautiful,
more beautiful than me.
Where is there I see no
romantic love no,
majestic beings above.
You cannot deny my thoughts ugly
as ugly-they are the truth
the truth of me as
only how I perceive.
But I cannot be like that
not all the time
not even some.
For a being like me
could swallow this world
whole.
Slowly I will reconstruct one better,
better for me.
Saving that dark place
like an old comfy chair
only to be in nostalgia
or a visiting guest
only to chat with despair.
That is where I find my memory
of him
all of the others too.
It is where and how
I fall through memory and story
to relive the pain of him and of them,
but only to make hope
out of it now.

You can certainly break my heart if it’s already broken. Just because I’m used to it being hurt already doesn’t mean I won’t feel any pain from the damage that you’re only adding to it. Breaking my heart down more can only set back the healing. I know if I can’t heal from you it will turn out that you’re no longer the brace that I needed. You are only keeping me from healing with your thrashing and crashing my heart carelessly. It only shows me how apathetic you are towards me. Yes I still feel for you, but you continue to make sly comments that only hurt me and dig deeper into the wounds. How can you say a girl never actually liked you? I’m still awaiting from a vague reply. Always they say actions speak louder than words, but words are the answer I need to move on. You wished that girls really liked you well it hurts more because I truely liked you. I get so confused frustrated with just what I’m trying to say. I just never want to be your favorite enemy. Not when I could be loving you. Why is it that no two people feel the same way at the same time?

She wants you to have her on your mind.
She wants her voice to be the best thing you heard all day.
Because she has forgotten the way,
the way that love works.
What could be so worse than having her love you?
Let her say the things she’s been itching to get out.
Let there be doubt about how much you like her.
Just let her, love.
Just let her love you.
Just let her love.
There will be times when she’ll never please you
and it’s not like you’re lying to her.
You didn’t promise her anything.
She wants to hear how her beauty makes you horny in the middle of your day.
How when you first met her you’d never forget how her hips sway.
Look at her now, come out loud
of how her lips curl when she smiles.
How her eyes glow
how she styles that long hair that feels so perfect while resting on your clavicle bone.
Just sigh it out, let her love you.
Let her say the things,
she’s been dying to all day.
Let there be doubt about,
about the way you don’t want her.
Let there be doubt about how much you miss her.
About how much you want to just kiss her.
About how much you just really love her.
Say it out, or leave,
cause it’s not fair to her or your heart to be so in between.
It’ll wean it’s way,
from straight out of the back of your brain one day
You’ll blurt out her name,
notice your life is never the same.

I cannot help thinking backwards in my memories today.
All the unnecessary memories of that love I wish I still had.
The things that just lull me back and forth and cradled me to the memories
of this person.
Their scent comes back to me
and I cannot get rid of it.
Burning my nostrils forcing me to relax like chloroform
and take each hit of the moments of the memory of them.
All rolling off the tongue of my mind
saying them loud and it powers the sensations; 
of their fingers and kisses.
One memory suddenly comes,
it’s so simple and so clean
it starts this horrible yearning for them to be near.
In my memory; their fingers run down my back
I look behind me at them
I stare into those eyes that are looking directly back in to mine.
This is when I feel the rejected tears try to climb up back and through
as if they are welcomed to be there.
I push those tears back away,
there’s no tears to waste on a person like that.
Then there’s all this built up filigree of
kisses, smiles, hugs, muscles, lips,
eyes, hair, laughs, breaths, looks
and it smears into this constant glitch of reality and imagery.
It amazes me how much I come remember,
how much I want to remember.
The reactions of reality turn into hurricanes
and that is when enough has just become too much;
amiss of what actually happened in between us.
Then the faulty camera in my mind clicks off
and I still have to long for them,
all of them.
Shallow echoes inside I swear I can hear as my memories start to fade back
and down to the semi sad truth.
And even if I know it is wrong to want the feelings back.
It sure beats being alone
and it sure beats learning to be on my own again.
I swear this was and maybe still is the one feeling of what keeps my heart on ice.
I don’t want to have to learn how to breath without you,
but I have to.
Because this is where I recognize
the reality of my fever of disbelief.